Posted on 4th Sept, 2015: Madame Wooftrot Soothsayer, from the mystical white sands of the Rann of Kutch, foretells what the month holds in store for your dear four-legged snookums
December 22 to January 19
Hugs and belly rubs may be curtailed this week as you may devour the kids’ homework assignments. Moreover, the class teacher won’t buy the excuse of, ‘my dog has eaten my homework’; which is why your pet parents may be in a grouchy mood.
Your pet parents will insanely post about you on social networking sites. You’ll be taken to the spa for grooming after which your portfolio is likely to be studio clicked. Your best picture, will be uploaded as profile picture by your pet parent.
Don’t pee in front of the main door, else a guest will slip on your urine and never visit the house again.
January 20 to February 18
While going on a walk you’ll be attracted to a cool canine of the opposite gender, who will turn out to be your half-sibling. It however will make no difference to you.
Your pet parent will buy CDs of special music meant for you. You’ve been noisy of late, which is why these cat lullabies will be bought, to shut you up.
Your pet parent will be refused a job, as the HR will think that she’s a mad woman. They won’t believe that you gave her a haircut late at night in her sleep and that she didn’t have time to go to the salon before the job interview. #truestory
February 19 to March 20
Looking puppy faced won’t help you to get delicious table scraps this week as your pet parents will have animated family discussions at meal time instead.
Your pet parent may take you for an expensive aura scan, which will be followed by an aura healing session.
You may be highly tempted to chew on the computer cables/shoes/everything in suit, which however won’t go down well with your pet parents. Even nuzzling their toes won’t help, hence resist from wanton chewing.
March 21 to April 19
You are likely to be taken on a trip to the dog bakery, even if you do something terribly naughty like jumping on to the couch after having splashed in the mud.
Try to keep yourself fruitfully occupied, else you may slip into boredom, which may lead to you scratching furniture and chewing books. Once you are caught, you may be denied treats.
Mars is retrograde, so you may have temper tantrums which may lead you to huff, puff, hiss, grunt, bite, thump and throw away your feeding bowl repeatedly. The colour blue may pacify you.
April 20 to March 20
Your pet parents will want to buy an expensive pendant for you. The best choice will be your lucky gemstone ruby which should be tied to your neck, after dipping it in milk in the early morning sun’s rays.
They say that curiosity ‘killed’ the cat. You may be tempted to ransack the kitchen, which may result in you spilling over the milk. What’s the use of crying over spilled milk? Isn’t it better you stay far away from the kitchen instead?
Stay away from the bedroom this week as you’ll be tempted to not only pee on the bed but also make a nest with the cotton of the new pillow. Hiding behind the curtain when caught won’t help as you’ll be found.
May 21 to June 20
Courageous dogs will perform an extremely brave deed like saving a child from drowning or rescuing a person from a house on fire. Timid dogs, like those who are scared of sparrows and flies, will muster the guts to shoo crows.
You may be enrolled in a cat show and participate in a cat walk. Wear topaz for success.
You’ll want to tear paper but make sure it’s not a passport or currency notes. Else, you’ll be like a rabbit caught in the headlights, when your mischief is unraveled.
21 June to 22 July
Guests are likely to come. Avoid licking your genitals in front of them. It will be well-received by the humans.
Avoid getting into a cupboard as you may get locked in. If the inevitable happens, keep on mewing or howling.
When guests come, don’t nibble on their shoes.
23 July to 22 August
You’ll be taken to the vet for a shot. However, you’ll be amply rewarded for the prick, by getting snout rubbing and ear scratching. Treats may be in order.
Kitties of celebrities may get media coverage. Make sure to be on your best behaviour when the journalist comes over.
You may snap an incisor, but don’t worry it’ll grow back. The growth will be quickened by emerald.
August 23 - September 22
You may get a mate, which will make you jealous and insecure. You may also behave like a dog manger by not allowing him/ her to play with your discarded toys.
You may be embroiled in a cat fight with your partner, thereby keeping the whole house awake.
You’ll be given a professional massage at home, which will make you yawn in the cutest way possible and drift you off to sleep.
September 23 – October 22
Something dear to you (for instance your ball) will go missing. Don’t worry as it’s likely to be replaced forthwith.
You’ll be taking many cat naps. Dreams of you chasing squirrels, birds and mice are likely. To ward off nightmares, wear ruby.
You’ll be extremely happy for no rhyme and reason. You’ll hop, skip and twirl high in the air merrily as a result.
October 23 - November 21
Spoiled canines may be chosen to display their antics on a reality show.
You’ll suddenly get bored of the food you eat. You’ll try to melt the heart of your pet parent into giving you wet food by rubbing your head and brushing your tail against him/ her. It might work.
You’ll consume more of your urine and potty, than you usually do.
November 22 - December 21
This week is favourable for the launch on your social networking page. You may also go on to be a celebrity dog, which may be less likely if this auspicious week is foregone instead.
You’ll have a merry time playing with your shadow.
You’ll be mating noisily at night by squeaking loudly and dismantling things in the house out of excitement. You’ll even keep the neighbours awake. Sapphire may calm you.
Disclaimer: This horoscope is purely imaginary, simply in good humour. But do fill your pets in about it!